by Martin Keenan and Mark Munzel
Fellow airplane nuts -- Have you ever wanted to be an Olympian? Have you ever wanted to stand on the podium, while your national anthem is played -- for you? Until recently, this would have been restricted to elite athletes.
However, in recent years, the International Olympic Committee seems to have widened the field of competition considerably, and added some events well outside the range of what would have been considered before. Beach Volleyball has been added, and there has even been talk of adding Bridge and Ballroom Dancing to the Olympics.
If Bridge and Ballroom Dancing, why not Airshow Photography?
Following is a suggested program of events for an Airshow Photographers Decathlon. We should lobby the IOC to include this event at a subsequent Olympics.
We may, however, want to wait for a few years -- Given that the next summer Olympics will be in Greece (where they imprison aviation photographers) and after that in China (where they probably shoot them).
Plan of events -- Airshow Photographers Decathlon
The events are intended to unfold over the course of a three-day weekend at a typical North American airshow.
Event
# 1: Arrivals Day Rally Driving During the Arrivals day, all contestants will be set up at an appropriate location near the threshold of the arrivals runway to photograph the arriving aircraft. At some point during the day, the tower will set up a highly unusual aircraft to land - on another runway. This is the signal for the start of the rally driving event. Upon hearing this clearance on their scanners, contestants must immediately load all of their equipment into their vehicles, plot the quickest course to a decent photographic location for the new arrival runway, and drive there in time to photograph the arrival. Four wheel drive vehicles are forbidden in this event, although off-road driving in conventional road vehicles is permitted, encouraged, and probably essential (retrieval of stranded vehicles is the contestant's responsibility). Scoring is by speed of arrival - with the proviso that zero points are awarded if contestants do not arrive in time to get a decent photograph.
Event # 2: 200-Metre Encumbered Run
When the gun goes off (as the airshow gates open), contestants must run 200 m to the fence, carrying all the equipment, food and beverages for a full day's show. Under Olympic regulations, contestants must carry two folding lawn chairs of a model that won't stay folded, an umbrella, and a full-size Coleman (TM) cooler carrying 24 cans of pop, 2 gallon jugs of water, 10 pounds of ice, three bottles of suntan lotion, in addition to any equipment required in the other events. On arrival at the finish line, they must grab the best quality viewing location that they can find along the fence and set up all their gear. Scoring is by the time of the run, factored with the quality of the vantage point chosen. Any dragging of the cooler will result in disqualification.
There is an optional "Iron Man" version of this event. In this, each contestant also must pull a "Little Tykes" plastic wagon carrying at least two children, a third child on a leash, and a dog. The kids will constantly scream, "I want to look at THAT airplane" while pointing in different directions. They will get louder and more frantic each time they call out. Disqualification will be immediate if the contestant drops a leash, hits a kid, or bites the dog.
Event # 3: Static Photography
Immediately after event #2, participants must race to the aircraft and take photos of the highest quality possible of all the static aircraft before the regular airshow viewers start walking in front of the planes and ruining the photographic conditions. Scoring for the event is based on a penalty system. Each contestant starts with 250 points and an adequate supply of film for photographing the static aircraft. Points are deducted on the following basis:
Lose two points for every pair of legs protruding from behind an airplane.
Lose five points for every complete body in front of an airplane.
Lose ten points for every baby stroller
Lose fifty points for each and any aircraft not photographed
Highest score wins.
Event # 4: Airshow Commentary
Each competitor listens to the same ten minutes of typical airshow commentary. The contestants submit a list of all the errors that they note, including their corrections. One point is awarded for each mistake caught, with a second point awarded for correctly identifying what should have been said. If the correction is wrong, then no points are awarded, even for a correctly deduced error.
Event
# 5: Commando Tactics An extraordinarily rare aircraft in a special paint scheme (applied just for the airshow weekend, of course) is at the show. However, it is parked on the hot side of the field, behind a hangar that conceals all but its pitot tube from the viewing public. Between the contestants and the aircraft are three MPs, fifteen rental security guards, thirty orange-shirted volunteers, and a rabid German Shepherd. The first surviving contestant with close-up detail pictures of the stencilling on the inside of the nose gear door wins. Use of firearms, deadly force and bribery by contestants is forbidden, but all other tactics are permitted. In the interest of balanced competition, Dutch photographers will be handicapped by the additional presence of land mines between them and the aircraft to be photographed.
Event # 6: The 15-Metre Stare
This event features an extremely unusual aircraft, in a never-to-be-seen-again special paint scheme, perfectly spotted and lit for photography, except for an large man wearing a fluorescent Hawaiian shirt and plaid shorts reading every label on the aircraft (on your side, of course). The objective of the event is to 'encourage' this spectator to move so that you can get an acceptable picture. Timing is a factor, as the number of garishly dressed spectators is doubled every two minutes, further reducing the possibility of getting a decent picture. Only facial gesturing can be used to get the spectator(s) to move -- vocalization and the throwing of objects is strictly forbidden. (Optionally, there is a 'European' category for this event, in which any means short of physical violence may be used to 'encourage' the obstructing spectator(s) to leave).
Event # 7: Endurance Shooting
Event set up is the same as Event # 6, except that the garishly dressed spectator never leaves. Points are awarded for the duration that the photographer waits in frustration in front of the aircraft waiting for the man to leave, before finally giving up and taking a 'record' photograph with the obstruction in place.
Event # 8: Target Shooting
Again, the event setup is similar to Event # 6. In this case, however, the target aircraft is obstructed by groups of people walking in front of the aircraft, so timed that there is a 1/125th of a second gap between one group walking out of frame, and the next group walking in frame. The winner is anyone that can produce a photograph of the aircraft with *nobody* in it.
Event
# 9: Airshow Food
Each contestant gets into line to get something to eat. The first person that actually gets something to eat wins. The first person that actually gets what he/she ordered comes in second.
Event # 10: Wrestling/Boxing
Each of the contestants simultaneously needs to get more film. When proceeding to the show photo booth, the contestants find that there is exactly one roll of slide film remaining at the entire show (naturally, at double the usual price). The winner is whoever ends up with that roll of film, by any means excluding bribery or weapons.
Other awards to participants:
The Hawaiian Tropic Award for the worst sunburn accumulated over the weekend by a contestant.
The Mangled Celluloid Award for the worst photographic processing horror story told by a participant.
The Kodakchrome 64 Trophy for the most film used over the weekend by a contestant.
The Alka-Seltzer Trophy for the worst indigestion (or worse) caused by airshow food.
The Swiss Army Knife Plaque, for the best-equipped photographer's vest.
The Fort Knox Trophy, for the photographer with the most expensive total array of photographic equipment around their neck (Employees/Owners of camera stores not eligible!).